Leave Me Lost

Posted: January 28, 2017 in depression, Emotions, Tears

​A pain burns in me like you wouldn’t believe

Fires eating all the love I receive

Leaving me bitterly twisted, 

Upright with resistance
To spin out of control

Taking up everything I see

Whirlwind motion

Destroying this all

Alongside me 
Push those away who 

Could get hurt in the chaos

Blow out all candles

All beacons for I am 

Meant to be lost
Don’t look for me it’ll be at your detriment

I don’t appreciate the sentiment

Just leave me wondering the darkness

Where I can hide and hurt less
In among the people,

The world outside my walls 

My pain throbs, I cannot 

Ignore its gravity.

Grasping not to fall.
So let me drop,

Let me let myself go

I cannot cope with anymore

I’ll shatter again 

This one thing I know 
Don’t come back for me 

Keep your eyes looking on

And when you’re far 

Enough up the road 

You’ll turn and I’ll be gone.

Be Real 

Posted: December 8, 2016 in Love, Poetry, writing

I could sit here and write you a thousand poems talking about the synchronicity of the Universe, how it brought us together to this point in time and there is a reason for everything. I could sit here and write about all that airy fairy bullshit but truth be told, I just want to be real with you.

I want to say to you yes I have lived before, there’s nothing to say I won’t love again other than the fact I don’t want anyone else, ever and I’ve never been so god damn sure of anything in my life.

I want to say to you to put that the energy between us aside, put the gut feelings and the knowing and the understandings aside and let’s just be human for this one. 

As a human I have been through too much and seen too much pain to always rely on what the Universe has in store, yes that’s how I live my life but even I have to strip it down and come landing with a thud into this reality to consider every day life and not just the bigger picture.

There are days I wake up with the passion and vigour of a woman ready to change the world. Alive and ready to take on anything and everything. 

Then there are days like today when I don’t have the space in my heart for compassion and empathy and the level of tired I am reaches my soul. There are days like these when I am sick of putting myself in other people’s shoes when I can barely fill my own.

As a human, a tired human on the days I am ten times more likely to be defeated at every turn and I don’t have the energy for the beauty of the world. On these days that I can’t come up with the magic for my usual poetry, that I can’t connect with the Universe because it’s daunting enough walking to the end of the road, on these days I still love you.

On days like these I just want to be real and say 

“Hey, it’s okay you know, its okay to feel like you’ve fucked up and you’re stuck going round in circles and feel like there’s points you still haven’t surpassed even though you’ve been on this planet for this long. And you feel like a child when you’re supposed to be an adult. It’s okay.”

And on these days I don’t want to fly to the moon with you or sit on a beach to watch the sunrise on a new beautiful day. I want the things that make us human, every day things like sitting either side of the table talking about nursery with a coffee. You snuggling onto my chest while watching one of the new series we’re binge watching on Netflix or Amazon. Sitting down together after putting the kids to bed and just being silent, no words needed because we’ve both had enough of noise for the day.

On these days I want to be real with you and say it’s worth it, you are worth it. You are worth putting the time in for, we are worth the judgement, the journey, the juggling of responsibility and trying to see where our kind of connection can fit into a world we have to occupy every day while simultaneously trying to sort our shit out and be the adults everyone expects us to be despite the fact we are really still children at heart.

So I’m not gonna write about how our love lights up the sky or how you are the reason for my one hundred thousand lifetimes, we know we can do eternal, we know we can do ethereal, we know we are destined to be. What we need to have faith in right now is ourselves and the fact we will be there through all the bullshit we have to endure, all this being human.

Let’s be flawed and fucked and confused and tired and at a loss for words and imperfectly human. Let’s be human together. 

Do or Die

Posted: November 27, 2016 in Poetry

​Deafening silence, I’ve been here more times than I care to remember

As we reach the coldest December I can recall

Since that heartbreaking fall.

The last time I lost you.

Autumn for me was always a time of spiralling

Down, down into the depths of me.

You reminded me of its beauty.

This October and last.

Now as the Winter months roll in 

A healing must begin like I’ve never taken on before

At least, without being floored.

This time round it’s a deeper level,

The deepest I have found in me yet.

Where I hid all the things I wanted to forget

Now I must face.

Not just the memories with your face 

But everything I have scurried away.

The time is now and this is the place,

There’s no looking back this time.

Acknowledging what has passed

Looking to the future 

Focusing on the now.

I will get through this some which way,


I am afraid

Posted: November 25, 2016 in Love, Poetry

​I didn’t understand true fear until you said those words

Read not heard yet they still play in my head

Those words you never said.
And it grips me internally, as animated on the outside as ever.

Just with the need to be alone returning, 

To nurse my wounds

To rebuild a future in my mind

The possibility of never feeling your skin on mine again.
The ache, the ache,

As I slowly break.

Bone by bone I crumble

Cell by cell I am turning to dust

Losing myself in the memory of us.

No Marching Band Needed

Posted: November 18, 2016 in Love, Poetry

I’m sitting here with the television on, which is unusual for me.

I keep thinking I can hear your voice, my brain playing tricks on me. 

I’m not falling apart. 

The skies aren’t caving in.

My world has not ended.

This seems quite an unduly quiet end to such a love.

Then, it’s not the end, is it?

Or is it?

We both want the same thing.

In the future, but I want you in the present.

I refuse to hold a grudge against you. It’s just not warranted.

I refuse to beg you to come back. I understand your reasons.

I understand. 

It doesn’t stop me from feeling like my heart is crumbling any less, being here without you. 

It’s always different with you

Posted: November 14, 2016 in Love, Poetry

I’ve probably written more love poems than I have had cigarettes in my life time.

So many written for the miss never to be seen.

It was different with you, it’s always different with you.

I wrote each word for your soul to drink up, I’d feel them to the depths of my soul.

I still do 

Because it’s always different with you.

The varying people I’ve had in my bed all leading to you. 

The racing heartbeats, the fumble in the dark, the immense feeling of regret after (however long our time has been) together.

It was different with you, it’s always different with you.

There was always love, intent in each movement, so much love in each touch.

I am here in silence contemplating the life I have before me.

I couldn’t do it alone before, I needed people to “love” me so I could feel worthy of life.

It’s different with you, it’s always different with you.

I can live life on my own however I don’t want to.

I want to live it with you.

The Loudest Silence

Posted: November 14, 2016 in Love, Poetry

A silence fills the air that says more than our words ever could.

An atmosphere you could cut with a knife, if we were in the same room.

A pause in time as the clocks ticks on,

One minute you’re there, I blink and you’re gone.

In ages passed I would’ve remained in that pause waiting for your return.

Instead I carry on, just in hope to find you along the way.

We have so much silence left to say.