And we shift

Posted: August 14, 2016 in Love, Poetry

This pain is excruciating

Pushing me, got me debating it all.

If I let go how much further will I fall into those blue, green, grey eyes ?

The colours that used to brighten my nights 

One look and I had clear sight.

Something turned, something changed 

And everywhere I look I see only your name 

Every thing I hear reminds me of your voice 

Believe it or not I put you first in my every choice.

And we shift 

The veil lifts to reveal something new

All the things you don’t understand about me, the things I don’t know about you.

And we shift 

I miss being in your arms 

When everything was assured to be okay 

Last time we were together I didn’t really know what to say.

We shift, are we drifting beyond the others reach?

Are these just lessons the universe has to teach 

Or is it an end?

I always said I would never be your friend.  

The burning was always love, 

A pain is returning again 

That ache, ache, ache 

With this rift between us.

The evidence of a lack of trust.

Yet is this trust in ourselves

Or each other ?

The connection when we touched 

Each other as lovers feels different.

Or is it I who feels different?

With this shift, are we to lose what we have ?

When the trust isn’t present 

Everything else becomes irrelevant

Is this a journey to take together

Or one to walk alone?

It’s not the company I need

I’m used to being on my own.

But I want you

I miss you

I miss your touch on my skin 

I miss not knowing where my being ends and yours begins.

Not to lose our identities

Or independence, or take away from the journeys we must walk alone 

But lose ourselves in each other 

When we just need to be home.

Apologetic Idiot

Posted: August 3, 2016 in heartbreak, Love, Poetry, Tears

​I’m sorry I promised you heaven 

And I only dragged you down with me 

I wrapped you in my emotional shackles 

When I was supposed to set you free.

Making it all about me.
I want to be selfless, not to a fault 

But I’m selfish and I’m not sure 

It’s something I’ve been taught.
I wanted to be my best for you 

It seems that is far off the horizon

It’s just you are a beauty 

I can not help but keep my eyes on.
I asked the Universe for you 

My wish was granted 

I prayed and prayed for your kind of love 

A heart truly enchanted.

You came to me 

And well, you know the rest.

When all I want for you is highest good 

You truly deserve the best.
Here I sit in concrete walls 

Both metaphorical and real

I built them high and expected you to climb

With disregard for how it would make you feel 
Love is supposed to fill & sustain 

What have I done but drown and drain?

I’m terrified you’ll never look at me the same 

I’m terrified this is extinguishing the flame 
But that’s it isn’t it?

I’ve been acting out of fear 

Rather than the truth of my gratitude

For the past year.
I am grateful more than I currently show 

And to be honest I don’t want to see you go
Although I understand you’re only human

There’s only so much you can endure

And well I’m stained with filth from my past 

Despite your pain I see you as pure.
I think that touch fucked me up

Beyond all repair 

I held you accountable for what ?

Trying to care.
People like me don’t get to be loved

By people like you.

And I wish it wasn’t so 

I’m beginning to think it’s the truth
I don’t want to cause you pain 

Or put you under more pressure 

I wanted our time to be special

Our love to be one of leisure 
I’m sorry I let you down like the others 

I’m sorry I made you hurt 

And I’m sorry that I ever

Made you doubt your worth. 
I painted you with colours 

That are deep in my soul

So many layers 

I couldn’t see your whole 
Every act of love from you 

I continued to doubt 

And that’s not what 

Any love should be about 

What Use are Words?

Posted: August 1, 2016 in heartbreak, Love, Poetry

​The ache spreads from cell to cell

Resulting in no story to tell.

With all the words I have to say 

I’m not sure you want to know anyway.

You said yesterday you couldn’t keep away 

So much is changing day to day.

And I pray, on my knees, your words will come through

Asking me to come home to you.

I read somewhere that expectations are the route of all heartache

We’ll it’s true, because each word you don’t say extends the break.

Shattering fragile glass with in a case of iron 

While my chest is empty waiting for you to lie on

Waiting for you to fall asleep in my arms 

Maybe it’ll be third time a charm.

I said I’d wait and I know I will.

I just don’t know how much of me it will kill.

I will live, I will laugh and I will become more

With a part of me missing and I wonder what for

I understand the reasons to an extent 

I just can’t see beyond what is actually meant.

And again I repeat but this isn’t about me

My instinct is to fight but maybe you need me to set you free

As you grow more distant as each day passes 

I want to take off my rose tinted glasses

Just to see the world in a blurred vision 

Drowning out my soul awaiting your decision.

Big Fallacy

Posted: June 29, 2016 in Mental health recovery, Poetry, writing

Pharmaceuticals: used to adjust brain chemistry in such a way that you function like a “normal” human being.
Without depression, without psychosis, without sense.

Reality: drugs produced en masse prescribed for a variety of ills from pain to psychosis and everything in between allowing the companies of big pharma to rake in billions each year while us mental health lifers drift from ultimate high to ultimate low to ultimate head fuck.

Take this medication
The pills will sooth your ills
Take this medication to aid in reparations to your personality.
You go against the grain, you are not happy, something doesn’t feel right.
Take this medication.

Now some medication has helped me manage NY mood, my depression, my attitude to align with the rest of humanity or send me to absolute apathy
To the point I don’t give a fuck.

Take this medication.

Olanzopine, Quitiapine.
Sertraline, Duloxetine, amitryptaline, mirtazapine.
Borderline, traumatic theatrics
Post pre apocalyptic stress.

This order is disordered.
This order got it wrong.
There is a sense of order
I just sing to a different song.

I’m not broken, I’m not “ill”
I’ve been taught my fire, my passion and will
These are why I’m broken, these are why I am ill

I’ve been taught to see disorder in a mind that’s not so chaotic
Chemically speaking legal drugs seem to make me more neurotic.
Fuck anti-psychotics.

To hear voices, to believe in aliens,
To see things others can’t
Are considered gifts in some societies.
To be sensitive to the world around you.
To see so much negative behavior,
To not trust people
Paranoid, your paranoid
Because you’re thinking not being an Android

Plugged into my phone
I am no longer alone.
The light will guide me.

For fuck sake Phoenix
Read a book, take a look out the window

It’s okay that I can’t let go,
I’m not broken, I’m not ill.
I will not take more medication until
I am just chemically driven in automatic
It’s time I learned manual.

It’s time I read the manual
On a gradual time scale
I’ve not failed and I’m not a failure

Stop taking this medication
Stop giving lethargy justification

This is order is not disordered
This order got it right
This mind is not chaotic
I just prefer to live at night

Time lost

Posted: May 30, 2016 in Poetry

Do you ever feel like life has just passed you by?
Ever get the inkling you missed out on things you were supposed to be around for?

No matter how much you believe everything happens for a reason..

You still can’t get that nagging tugging sensation at the base of your stomach & the centre of your chest to just let up?

Ever sit down to read the pages of your story just find entire chapters to be a nothing more than a collection of blank pages?

Ever look back to see as much of the unknown as you do when you look forward?

Ever wonder where you were when the Universe was still in motion, before time drew to a stand still?

Have you ever just wanted to fill in the blanks with a fairy tale made of all the best movie moments to fill the pages where you were simply lost at sea?

I send you poetry,
I write for you, verse
Along with the words of love
My mouth delivers, virgin
And unrehearsed.

I speak with oceans,
Lakes, streams and Rivers
The comparison of each
With this existence bore
The tale of two lovers.

I hold my hand out,
You hold my beating heart.
This combination a personal
Divinity, destine to fall
If we were ever to part.

Chat  —  Posted: May 25, 2016 in Poetry

Land of the dead.

Posted: May 22, 2016 in Poetry

Today I went for a walk in the cemetery
I saw a woman tending a grave with such care
With a glint in her eyes, a flicker of hope that her loved one was still here.

Carved on a stone marked grave were the words
“To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die”
In that graveyard is where the departed remain and the living come to cry.

Such peace in the cemetery, such peace beyond the grave.
Do our souls remain here after our bodies are rotting?
Can we really last an eternity even if we’ve no soul to save?